Talking AT or Talking TO

When you have a conversation with someone, what makes you feel like you've been heard? Is it because they look at you? Is it because they ask questions that clarify what you were saying? Is it because they want to under- stand what you are saying?

You may not have the experience of having some-one making you feel like you’ve been heard very often, so can you identify what it is in conversation that makes you feel like you are NOT heard? I think that it goes like this. The other person is just waiting to jump into the conversation with their part of the story or their experience. Or they tell you where you are wrong in your assessment of things. Or perhaps they take the conversation in a different direction by chasing a “rabbit.”

Now put yourself in your child’s shoes. Your child comes home from school and needs to do their homework. They stare at their paper. They need a drink. They have to sharpen their pencil...again. You want to have a conversation with them about the amount of work that is not getting done. So you tell them to get to work. They respond with, “I’m thinking.” [Here is where you need to make them feel like you are hearing them.] The temptation is to respond with, “Stop thinking and get working!” or something like that.

The goal is to get them to work and yet make sure they know that you understand them.
So you look at them and ask a question. “Is it thinking about your work or something else?” Any question will do that is designed to get them back on track. Being frustrated will not help. By asking a question, you will convey, “I am not sitting in judgment against you. I want to understand you.”

I must confess that even after years and years of practice, the tendency toward being frustrated is still there. I need to pray quickly, often and consistently for help and reminder that I too, get distracted from what needs to be done. Remembering Christ’s grace, helps me to speak with patience.